Monday, August 19, 2013

Lord, Why Am I Single?

Where to begin? Let me start off by telling my sisters out there to take everything every magazine, talk show, relationship guru, and expert you have ever absorbed information from and toss that crap out with the trash, because hey, that's exactly what it is. Don't you honestly think that if there were some magic trick to dating and relationships more of these experts would have mates? Didn't your mother ever tell you never to take anyone's information as your own? If your mom was busy I know you at least saw The Players Club! Diamonds professor told the class the exact same thing, and you know what? He was absolutely right! There are a host of ways to find that formidable opponent in this love game and anything that ends up telling you there is something wrong with you so much that you need to change is dead wrong, unless you're abusing drugs or alcohol. I mean come on, there is truly someone out there for everyone and it doesn't always have to be you, it could be where you are looking, how high you're setting that 'standards' bar, and my favorite, 'the list'. Ultimately, most of us have limited resources and drive when it comes to changing ourselves so what you must do is find the person that works for you. You may think you're settling but honestly there is really
No such thing, if they were able to get you for whatever shallow reason you keep telling yourself, then that is where your standard lies.
Speaking of standards, we all have this great vision on the person that we feel we are destined to be with. The problem lies within reaching beyond the point of reason. The Cinderella/Pretty Woman story does not happen often but when it does it usually ends disastrously, there are only a few instances in which that will work and I don't have the kind of time or patience to get into that right at this moment (book coming soon). Sometimes the standards we have keeps us from long term relationships because we have conditioned our minds to incorporate societies superficial standards when we are choosing that significant other. In other words, a nice guy/girl that you are interested in shouldn't be overlooked because they are a bit over weight. How many times have you heard this, "she's pretty but I don't mess with fat girls." Says some fat person. Or "I like him but that dude works at McDonalds," the latter of which really pisses me off considering most people that use this type of reasoning has no type of job to speak of. If you are using the 'deal breaker' tactic to pick out your mate, be reasonable and be honest with yourself. If you are a 4-6 by societies 'standard' I believe superficiality should not be something to lead with. Try someone new and step out of that, 'what will my friends think?' Box. You would be surprised who you can find if you just allow yourself to get to know someone to the point you can truly see who they are on the inside.
If you are the person that attends events in hopes of meeting that particular someone, by events I mean concerts, church, clubs, school, etc., then you are the person that always puts yourself out there, you attract more people, you are out going, and you more often than not have a lot of one-night-stands. If you find yourself saying, "why didn't they call?, a lot, you are that person. It isn't that they weren't into you, because they slept with you, it could be in fact, they felt the one nighter was mutual. If you want to get to know someone after an event, especially one that ends sometime late at night, chances are either of you suggesting going back to your place is kind of a red flag concerning what that person wants out of the night. Your acceptance only seals the understanding. Try heading to a diner or somewhere sex isn't implied, if the suggestion is met with a contrary suggestion you now know that the person you are engaging wants nothing more than no strings attached sex. If you're down for that, go for yours! If not, you may want to end the night there. The reason I think finding a mate in church is rarely a good idea is the privacy factor. Two members of the same church dating is open season for all types of congregational gossip and drama, especially if the person you're eyeing has dated another member of the same church. Everyone feels its their duty to offer unsolicited advice and trust you two will be the topic of conversation for a long while. If you meet someone while out at a social function wherever it may be, let it be the start of your getting to know one another, exchange information so the next time you meet it can be the ice breaker date or outing. You will have less one nighters and find a potentially good partner.
My absolute favorite of all has to be the 'list' person. People always think women are the only ones making lists and checking it thrice, but those people are so wrong. The difference between men, women, and lists, are the fact that women are absolute enough to write our wants down, whereas men's list change according to their sexual and maturity growth. In the words of Chris Rock, some men can't regress sexually, while some women can't financially, depending on desperation of both sexes. These lists are taken so literal at times that a woman will not date a damn good man that works at McDonald's because the list calls for a professional, all the while overlooking the fact that he is self paying for law school. They overlook that fact because those golden arcs blinded them enough not to get to know them. I've known men that will not date less than attractive women because their list calls for someone with an ass that's K. Michelle fat, all the while overlooking the fact this woman is so into her studies that she has taken to wearing baggy jeans and over sized sweaters. Most men don't recognize a woman with a nice body until she is wearing something that gives him pause. The problem is most women who dress that way on a regular basis more than likely is just flaunting the best of her, which is her body. These lists limit us from getting to know that person that we could be spending the rest of our lives with. Be open to changing the list from time to time just to see what else is out there. If you keep dating people from your list and it never works out, chances are you only succeeded in creating the perfect characteristics of the person you were never meant to be with.
When looking for that mate be open to all possibilities and don't back yourself into a corner by being unrealistic. Know who you are and then go after what you want. Time flies by too quickly to knit pick and cling to specifications. My husband and I will be going on 8 years October 20th and I must admit he is not the man on my list but he is at the top of my list of good men.


Email Hits